The Joys of Being Single

Single.
(sigh)
Single.
Still single.
In my high school experience, I never even thought of finding a boyfriend. I knew that I was too young and that anything started that early probably wouldn’t last. I was young, and I was just mature enough to realize that I was too immature to have a boyfriend. I told myself that I could/would wait until college.
I am in college now. Two years and still no boyfriend. I was not really ready my freshman year, and the older I get, the more I am able to recognize how immature I actually am. I am near 22 and still not sure that I am ready for a relationship of that importance. I have so much sin to deal with in myself.
It was easy for me to come to grasp that if I’m not content and happy now, then I won’t be when I’m married. I must be fully dependent on God, and then I can rely on Him completely when I’m single, in a relationship, or married. I would love to have the security of a man, but I MUST depend on God.
It is easy to know this and even accept this, but I want a family. I want a boyfriend.
I want someone who thinks I’m way cool.
I want someone to hold my hand.
I want someone to hold me.
I want someone to lend me their shoulder and wipe away my tears.
I want to be married.
I want to have kids.
I want to grow old with my best friend.
I want to know who he IS.
I want to play with his hair.
I want to massage his shoulders.
I want to sing to him.
I want to cherish him.
I want to imagine ways to please him.
I want to be with the one I love.

I have these desires, but GOD MUST BE FIRST. If I cannot love God completely, then I can never love a man correctly.
I am working in and with myself to be willing to follow God and be content, no matter what comes. The best part of being single is that I can focus on God right now, distraction free.
As scary as it is for me, maybe He wants me to be alone for a while so I can lean more heavily on Him.
“A while.” My emotions scream in terror at those words.
How long? How long? I want to know! I am left in a dark tunnel, with no visible light at the end. I have no idea how long I must travel this tunnel. I despair at the darkness, and yet I carry a flashlight in my pocket. All I have to do is pull it out and turn it on. It sounds easy enough, but many times I stumble around in darkness, straining to see that light at the end of the tunnel.
The reality is that the light at the end of the tunnel is a myth. It is just as dark outside the tunnel, in any relationship, as it is in the tunnel. There is no magic switch once you get married, to make everything bright, beautiful, and God-honoring. The only benefit is that now you have two flashlights to share.
I know that marriage does not equal happily-ever-after, but I still want it.
As much as I do want it, I want to please my God above all. My mind and thoughts wander to my wants, and by force of will, I turn them back to a focus on God.
All I really want is what my God wants for me.
It is scary to think that my God might want me to serve Him by myself. Sure, it would be hard, but with His help, I know I can tackle anything. Maybe God wants me to become a missionary and go to . . . Brazil or some other country all by myself.
With God I can/will accomplish anything.

This is why I won’t settle. I can’t settle for anything less.
I want someone who loves God just as much as I do. I want what God wants for me, so I want someone who wants what God wants too.

Rule Number One:
Whoever he is, he must know God, love God, and follow God.

So, I wait.
I don’t like it all the time.
There are times when I hate it, but I know that God’s plan is better than anything I can imagine.
So,
I WAIT.