Blessed Be the Name of the Lord!

My Blessed Redeemer knows exactly what He is doing. Looking back on these past days, weeks, months, and even years, I realize that my Gracious Father has been preparing my heart for such a time as this. I am the weakest vessel, and yet He chooses to use me. I try to package myself with spiritual fluff so that my fragile faith will not crack. My heart has been strong, as hearts go, but in Christ I have been too weak. Slowly, my Awesome God has been blowing away my fluffy comfort. Before you think that I eagerly sloughed it off, know that I clung to my spiritual fluff as a child clings to cotton candy. The sickly sweetness can be enjoyable, but it doesn’t last. Like cotton candy, the sweet fluff melts fast, the sweetness doesn’t last, and all you are left with is a sticky mess and cavities. The cavities of my own righteousness were eating into me. And now, the Great Physician, the Orthodontist of my soul has stripped away my candy. That was only the first step. Next, He drilled out the disease in me. Losing the candy was simply discomforting. The drilling was painful. The corruption that I had learned not only to live with, but also to love, was being removed, and the removal required deep invasions. Some areas required root canals, reaching deep into my heart and tearing my selfishness out by its roots. At first, losing myself was terrifying, but I have learned to glory in it. To God be the glory, great things He has done!
The sticky sweetness that had clung to my face and hands, collecting dirt & dust, was wiped away by the blood of Christ, my Savior. My selfish corruption was drilled away by loving hands. These same loving hands knew my pain exactly. Christ had abandoned His own life, suffering the drilling of nails into His own hands and His own feet. My Beloved Jesus gave His precious life for me, the most selfish sinner. I owe Him my life, my heart, my all.
My own cotton candy satisfaction could not last. The Creator God rescued me from my self, washed my face, and drilled away my corruption. Praise God, He didn’t stop there. The Great and Powerful King of the Universe filled my holes with Himself. Fillings of the purest gold. My life has been infused with the richness of God Himself.
The present discomforting situation has brought tears to my eyes and my heart to my throat. At first, it felt as though I were choking on my own heart. Silly me, my mighty God was simply trying to bring my heart to my mouth, and I kept trying to swallow it again. So now, I‘m wearing my heart on my sleeve, or rather, in my mouth. Wherever my heart is at the moment, it is content in God, much more visible, and it is even audible. My heart speaks the Glory and Greatness of the Almighty God! He has cleansed me, drilled me, filled me, and He maintains me. After the drilling and filling, He established braces! Ah! The wonderful pain of constant reminders of the straight way. The Bible urges me to the righteousness of God. God’s children point me right, and they latch onto me, pulling me, until I have no choice but to slowly move towards the blessed righteousness of my Righteous God. If all I had was myself, I would have broken teeth, broken potshards covered in fluff.
By the grace of God, He has covered my frail vessel with Gold. How can I not shine? I was put through the fire, but the Gold can’t melt. The topsoil of my soul was washed away, and just when I despaired at the loss, I realized that I was set firm on the Solid Rock. Who can shake me now?
The mouth full of broken and decaying teeth is now built up and fortified in Christ alone! My hope is found! He is my Light, my Strength, my Song! This Cornerstone, this Solid Ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm!
My mouth of deceptive fluff is now filled and fortified by Christ. I must smile. My heart of selfishness is being stripped away. My securities have been whittled away, one-by-one, until all I have left is God. Sure, the times are tough, but my God is tougher. Who better to rely on than God? He is all I have left to rely on. Believe me, He is ENOUGH!
In the months leading up to my sister’s hospitalization, I began to feel unsettled with the world. I looked at my past, my present, and my future. Neither one was 100% for God. Instead of changing, I began judging the world. It was far easier to point out the flaws of the world than to point out & change my own.
My sin-smeared heart cried out, and I began the crawl to the Throne of God. My heart & flesh cried out for the Living God! I thirsted to know Him more. I fought against the distractions of the world.
My Loving God has been ministering to me, stirring at my heart, pouring love into my veins, and helping me to develop my talents.
My generous God sent people to me. My sister Naomi: my best friend, and my encouragement. My roommate, Lucy, who loves me dearly (I love Lucy). Countless friends sent from God for the purpose of strengthening my heart. God even had my friend Annapurna give me a great tool of introspection: My sketch diary, Mirror. I am filling it with reflections of my soul. My basest desire to have God & only God, is depicted with pencil & paper.
I learned soon enough that desiring only God changes things. My priorities (both good & bad) came to light, and I cried out to God because of my unfaithfulness. I determined to place Him first, not just in my heart, but first in my mind, first in my mouth, and first in my life.
It is all well & good when everything is well & good. Though my devotion was deep, it was mostly untested. So, God threw me a curveball—Sunday night—By the way, your baby sister is in the hospital. I had no room to fall, because I was already face-down on the Rock. My first reaction: Your will alone. All I want, all I need, is the will of God. My heart cried out, “My Pinky! My Joe! Lord! It should be me instead! O Lord! My Abi! But no, Abi is not mine, she never was, she is Yours alone! Let Your will be done, and I will be content! I defy my selfish desires! Do what accomplishes Your purpose! Your will alone!
Fear fights at me almost constantly. My heart jumps at the unknown, and I sternly remind it that God is in control. Your will alone!
I found out the news on Sunday the 5th of October. God was working to prepare me even before then. I haven’t worn my desert camouflage jacket much since I arrived at college two years ago. A few weeks ago, I felt that I was preparing for battle. I wasn’t sure what kind of battle I was preparing for, but I put on my camo jacket. On Saturday, by the grace of God, Annapurna’s magnets drew her up to where I was working in the Writing Center. (Believe it or not, God blesses & uses the Writing Center for His good purpose. You should visit it sometime.) Annapurna’s project wasn’t due for a couple of weeks, but God knew what was coming my way, and He sent her to prepare me. The project was to write a poem based on a Psalm. Annapurna believes that she can’t write poetry, so I talked her through it. For some odd reason, (Hmmm . . . could this be God at work?) I randomly selected Psalm 42. You should read it. We talked through the whole thing. God was at work, preparing my heart. The next day in church, one hymn in particular pierced me.
Day by day & with each passing moment,
Strength I find to meet my trials here;
Trusting in my Father’s wise bestowment,
I’ve no cause for worry or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, it’s part of pain & pleasure or for fear.
He whose heart is kind beyond all measure
Gives unto each day what He deems best—
Lovingly, it’s part of pain & pleasure,
Mingling toil with peace & rest.
My accompanying katroonie in my journal has me face down in my Bible saying, “All I need is strength for today.”
That was the night I found out about Abi. I wasn’t particularly worried. I was more afraid for Abi, spending the night in the hospital. I was shaken a bit, but I was trying not to worry, which is my natural response.
On Monday, she spiked a fever of 106.7. I found out late that night. Fear threatened to choke me. My sister could die! This was a large step from a simple boil. I was scared. My brain did not want to function on a school level. I finished a paper & took a test the next day. Understanding Science. It wasn’t a hard test, but (owing to the circumstances) I had studied very little. My heart kept jumping to fear, and I had to stop and rebuke it. I was the last person to finish my test, which isn’t that unheard of for me. All I wanted to do was pray, and I wasn’t sure how to tell anybody about it. I’m sure my friend Carter thought I was stressed about the test. All I wanted to do was be with my family, and to talk about it could make it more real. If I told anyone, my mind would fly out the window and any focus I had on school would be gone.
Studying became harder as Abi’s condition continued to worsen. Thankfully, God’s providence allowed Bible Conference to come, and the weight of classes was relieved. As Naomi & I talked with our parents, we cried. However, we did not despair. They told us about their new mission field in Seattle Children’s Hospital.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord!
My Mommy told me that they are looking to God for strength day by day. Hmmm. . . this reminds me of a hymn. If God, “Gives unto each day what He deems best,” then I will trust Him.
Tuesday and Wednesday are somewhat of a blur, but I do remember that the chapel messages on Wednesday and Thursday were about Psalm 42, which I attribute that to God alone. Great messages. Wednesday our dorm mom woke us up to call our Daddy. The news was that the doctors had to cut out some of Abi’s lips and cheeks. Since I was up so early, I went to breakfast. I sat down, and was surrounded by friends. We talked like normal, but I was distracted. It felt nice to talk normally, but I felt like I was betraying my sister by having a mostly meaningless conversation while she was in such a terrible situation. When Naomi came in red-eyed and crying, people began to realize that something was wrong. My friend SClaggs came over and prayed with us, and then more people realized that something was up. Then, we asked Credo to let people know. Ah, the wonders of Facebook. Within the hour, hundreds of people had been messaged to pray.
I couldn’t stand being indoors for very long, so I went for multiple walks. This was also partly because I didn’t want to be caught in my room as open dorms were taking place.
I sat by the pond and journaled until I started to cry. I moved into the woods. The enormous impact that this would have on Abi’s future life scared me, and I wasn’t even sure that she would even survive. I cried for Abi. My Awesome Creator God knew my pain. He led my friend Becky to call me. We hadn’t talked for three years, but she had hunted down my number and called me. Omniscient God knew that I was having a tough time. After hanging up with Becky, I wandered up to the soccer fields where my friends Jeremy and Alyssa called me over. They talked about it with me and prayed about it with me. God is so good to me! I spent time praying and bawling in the woods, pouring myself out before the One and Only God. I could do nothing more than acknowledge His power and preeminence. So, I did that, for a long time.
When I finally calmed down a bit, I decided to head back towards my dorm. On my way by the pond, my friend King called me over, we talked about it, and he prayed about it. It is so encouraging to see my Father God at work in the lives of His children.
That night I went to church and was encouraged by all the support they gave. The request had been sent around the prayer chain, and many people came up to ask me how Abi was doing. The Gopher Buddies were particularly cute, and Debbie even let me have their huge artwork that they painted last week. I took it home and hung it on the biggest piece of open wall I could find (which was in the lounge). There’s just something about the artwork of a child that is beautiful.
On Thursday, I went to chapel and workshops, but I was so tired, and I almost fell asleep in both. Just before 3 that afternoon, my dorm mom came to tell Naomi and me that we were flying out to be with our family. I’m not sure what my first reaction was. Probably fear, but I was also stressed, overwhelmed, happy, worried, and upset. We called my Daddy to hear it from him, and while we were talking with him, I began writing a list of everything that I needed to accomplish before leaving. I had also started crying. As soon as we hung up, I started metaphorically running. I got a written copy of Naomi’s work hours in the kitchen and a copy of mine and I walked over to let them know. I figured that I should do that first because I wasn’t going to be working that night as scheduled, and they would need a line server by 4. I was crying pretty badly at this point. I walked right through the girls’ soccer team and into the kitchen. My friend Brittany found me, hugged me, and took care of everything. My friend Julee prayed with us right there in the kitchen. I also said goodbye to my friend Aaron, and my friend Christina. I meant to say goodbye to my friend Carter, but I had started bawling again and I forgot. He tells me that the milk of human kindness flows through my veins. I would hope so especially now, because my heart is bleeding all over the place. I would hope that kindness is all that comes out.
I began my packing process, and so many people gathered around to help. My friend Lydia even went to hunt down some oatmeal raisin cookies for me. I had a whole committee to help me pack clothes that could match, because I was in no state of mind to be thinking about that. My roommate let me borrow some of her Christian themed t-shirts so I could wear them in the hospital.
At 4 we had a prayer meeting. Upon hearing the news at 3, some girls in the dorm had organized a prayer meeting for 4. So, we had a group of 30 some people, including a handful of guys. My friend Susan read some Scripture, we prayed, and we sang a song. We Will Glorify! It’s a good song.
Then, Naomi and I found out the plan. My friend Mark Steckiel was going to drive us, and fly with us. We were leaving at 6. It was 5. Naomi and a group decided to go to dinner. I decided that I should, but I didn’t have enough time. I continued packing in the hope that I could get everything accomplished and not forget anything important. I think I did a good job. I can’t think of anything expressly important that I forgot. I was finished a little bit before 6, and I received a text message from Uncle Mark. He changed the departure time from 6 to 6:30, so I went over to dinner. It was really nice to just sit and be with friends.
We finished dinner, finished packing, loaded up, and were on our way. We drove to Philly that night and stayed at a really nice hotel. As we were standing in the lobby, Naomi commented that she felt underdressed, I told her I felt like a bum. God was still at work. In case I doubted it, He reminded us very strongly when the desk clerk asked how she could pray for us. Blessed be the Name of the Lord! The room was also really nice. Naomi and I each had our own bed, and there was a large plasma TV in the room. We turned it on for a few minutes just to say we had watched it, but we were too tired.
The next morning, we woke up at 4:45 and headed to the airport. Praise God, we had no problems getting everything figured out and making it to our gate. We flew to Texas where we talked with our parents and multiple others, giving updates. Then, we made our last flight to Seattle. At this point, I was just floating along.
I was so anxious to see my family and to be with them. My heart rejoiced to finally sit in the ICU waiting area and hear how Abi was doing so well. The doctor came out of surgery smiling! My Beloved God answered so many prayers! Abi took a turn for the better!
Turn by turn the Lord gave us blessings. Not only was Abi doing better, but the family of God was so evident to us. We discovered a Facebook Group, whose members were dedicating 24 hours to fast for Abi and pray for Abi. I bawled again. You know, some people don’t believe that I cry very often. I do. Most often lately, I cry because God and His children are so beautiful to me!
Every day we hear more stories about people who are praying for us. I love to whisper in Abi’s ear how she will not know until Heaven how many people are praying for her.
I was able to see my older sister Beka again. I haven’t seen her for 2 years, not even since she got married a year ago. So many people visited in the hospital waiting room. On Saturday the 11th of October Abi was doing so well. With all the drugs in her, she shouldn’t have been responsive, but she opened her eyes, recognized us, and even nodded or shook her head to answer questions. She got excited and tried to move around and sit up. Only 3 people could visit her at a time, so we had 12 people trek through in threes to see her, and she responded to all of them.
My heart and mind were doing great. I was trusting completely in the sovereignty of God. When you’re laid out flat on your back, it’s easy to look up.
And then, Monday hit. Monday was my day to cry. The water balloon of my emotions was pricked, but instead of just leaking, it exploded. I want to be with my family. I think one of the reasons that I feel so badly about this is that this won’t just go away for Abi. I will be going back to BBC and jumping right back into college life, but Abi . . . Pinky, Joe . . . Abi will have to deal with this all day every day.
My life will go on.
Even my parents will have to deal with this all the time.
My life will go on.
Lydia’s life will be so much harder all the time.
My life will go on.
I can go back to school and easily re-immerse myself in my own life.
But, I know their lives won’t be the same, and I can’t/won’t let my life be the same.
I am afraid I will feel guilty when I smile, when I laugh, if I’m happy at all. I want to share the sorrows with my family. I want to be here for them, but I can’t. My life can never be the same. I don’t want to fall back into complacency, but I am afraid that I will swing to the other side and veer toward a social outcast. I’ll have to work on that. I must learn to claim the joy of the Lord as my strength. Joy as strength! I don’t know that I’ve ever thought about that before.
Will I betray Abi, Lydia, and my parents if I go on with life and am happy? No! Only if I forget them! I don’t ever want to forget how hard this long recovery process will be for them! It could be a year of recovery surgeries for Abi. I MUST NOT forget that.
Soon, I will be returning to college, but I leave pieces of my heart and mind with them.
My Lord has proven Himself faithful, I cannot doubt Him now! Now is the time when I need to trust Him the most!
Blessed be the Name of the Lord!

Jesus is Perfect

My youngest sister Abi (13) is in the hospital, and this is a poem that she wrote about 4 years ago.

Jesus is Perfect,
Jesus is Fine,
Jesus is Wonderful,
His Heart Divine.
Jesus is Awesome,
Great in Power.
Jesus is with me
in the darkest hour.
He will be with me
for ever and ever.
He will not leave me,
Never ever.

A Little About Me

I was looking for a good way to begin a blog about my heart, when a friend asked me a good question. Here are my thoughts.
When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Or, alternatively, who are you?
When I first began thinking about how to answer this question, I thought of many responses. Some might answer along the lines of the M2M song, “Mirror, mirror, lie to me. Show me what I want to see.” Do, I want a flattering lie?
No. I want the truth, no matter how painful.
Truth is not easy to find. The truth is especially difficult to face when it is painful. But, again, I want the blunt and bitter truth. No matter how much it hurts.
When I look in a mirror, I see myself, the physical representation of myself. Is this me? Is my physical appearance who I am? No. My appearance, by definition, is how I appear. While I have a physical appearance, I also have an appearance based on what people see and hear of me. Is that all there is? It can’t be. I know that there is more to me than what is seen. So, can the people who just see me, really know who I am? Or, are they only seeing a part of me? Or are there two parts to me: the visible and the internal? Am I who I am inside or how I act? Why is it called “acting” anyways? This implies that I am merely presenting something that isn’t me.
I am, first and foremost, a child of the King, and I would hope that my faith in God would be evident always to myself and to others. Sadly, I am often a disobedient child. Whether just in my heart, or in my deeds, I sin.
I wrestle with self-righteousness, anger, despair, self-assurance, self-reliance, jealousy, impatience, self-righteousness, cowardice, rebellion, pride, hopelessness, stubbornness, lies, and even (dare I record it?) impure thoughts. Just to name a few flaws.
When I have a decision to make, I choose only myself so often it has become second nature. And, if that isn’t bad enough, I think I’m better than everyone else. You’d think that admitting my faults would be humbling, but somehow I can convince myself that I am holier-than-thou for admitting them where others won’t. Yeah, I am so holy that I can’t even get confessing my sins right.
Self-righteousness is my nemesis, the antagonist in the story of my life. I grew up in a Christian home, was saved at a young age, and grew up as an MK to top it off. I should at least be a good person. Yet, I constantly struggle to put others first. I judge others so easily. I should act in love, yet I somehow simply pronounce judgment and even disperse condemnation with no thought of love. I want my love of others to burn in me so that I have to share it or burn up. They should know how much I do care for them. My friendships should be about my friends. It shouldn’t be about me.
I find myself trying to appear so righteous. This false-righteousness becomes my own righteousness, which is worthless. I have to plan, strategize and actually think ahead to keep myself from falling prey to my desire to appear holy. I encounter this foe so often, I know where I am weakest, and yet I still fall. I still center on myself. Why am I so focused on myself? Which part of me is the part that reflects my own image back into my vision so constantly? I wish I knew which part of me leads me to focus on myself. I want to cut it out, cut myself out. I practically scream inside at the torment when I realize that I have cut my Savior out instead. The next moment, I do it again without a thought.
I am the worst sinner (and I am not fishing for a compliment). I am not the kind of person who laments. “I am fat!” just to get someone else to assure them, “You are not fat!” My hatred is aimed at my failures. Failure is so common to me. It is only through the great love of God, through Christ’s atoning blood, that I am forgiven. When I express my own lowly and sinful state, it is a testament to the awesome, great, and mighty works of God. Only God Himself could have saved me. I am so glad that my salvation is not dependent on my good works, because they are too few.
Ah! You would think that someone as self-righteous as I am would have a little more pride, but no! I am a living paradox. I want recognition for how holy I am, but I despise compliments (mostly because I am suspicious of flattery or sarcasm). I do not take compliments well. Genuine admiration even embarrasses me. I trade a sincere compliment with a nonchalant reply. Sometimes, I manage to insult the person who pays me a sincere compliment. Why am I so focused on myself? I do not even like myself that much. I either love myself too much, or I hate myself.
In my heart, I want to serve God wholeheartedly, but it is a constant battle. I say things I should not, I do not say things I should say. How can anyone really know me?
If someone knew who I was and saw how I appear, would they be able to tell the difference? I would hope not. I want to be completely genuine and live not as a projection of myself, but as myself.
Who am I? I am a beloved daughter of I AM. I am a child of God, a disciple of Jesus Christ, a terrible sinner saved by grace.
If you want to know me, know this: I was blind and lost, but I am saved by a great and powerful God. My identity lives in Him!

I am IN CHRIST!