A Little About Me

I was looking for a good way to begin a blog about my heart, when a friend asked me a good question. Here are my thoughts.
When you look in the mirror, what do you see? Or, alternatively, who are you?
When I first began thinking about how to answer this question, I thought of many responses. Some might answer along the lines of the M2M song, “Mirror, mirror, lie to me. Show me what I want to see.” Do, I want a flattering lie?
No. I want the truth, no matter how painful.
Truth is not easy to find. The truth is especially difficult to face when it is painful. But, again, I want the blunt and bitter truth. No matter how much it hurts.
When I look in a mirror, I see myself, the physical representation of myself. Is this me? Is my physical appearance who I am? No. My appearance, by definition, is how I appear. While I have a physical appearance, I also have an appearance based on what people see and hear of me. Is that all there is? It can’t be. I know that there is more to me than what is seen. So, can the people who just see me, really know who I am? Or, are they only seeing a part of me? Or are there two parts to me: the visible and the internal? Am I who I am inside or how I act? Why is it called “acting” anyways? This implies that I am merely presenting something that isn’t me.
I am, first and foremost, a child of the King, and I would hope that my faith in God would be evident always to myself and to others. Sadly, I am often a disobedient child. Whether just in my heart, or in my deeds, I sin.
I wrestle with self-righteousness, anger, despair, self-assurance, self-reliance, jealousy, impatience, self-righteousness, cowardice, rebellion, pride, hopelessness, stubbornness, lies, and even (dare I record it?) impure thoughts. Just to name a few flaws.
When I have a decision to make, I choose only myself so often it has become second nature. And, if that isn’t bad enough, I think I’m better than everyone else. You’d think that admitting my faults would be humbling, but somehow I can convince myself that I am holier-than-thou for admitting them where others won’t. Yeah, I am so holy that I can’t even get confessing my sins right.
Self-righteousness is my nemesis, the antagonist in the story of my life. I grew up in a Christian home, was saved at a young age, and grew up as an MK to top it off. I should at least be a good person. Yet, I constantly struggle to put others first. I judge others so easily. I should act in love, yet I somehow simply pronounce judgment and even disperse condemnation with no thought of love. I want my love of others to burn in me so that I have to share it or burn up. They should know how much I do care for them. My friendships should be about my friends. It shouldn’t be about me.
I find myself trying to appear so righteous. This false-righteousness becomes my own righteousness, which is worthless. I have to plan, strategize and actually think ahead to keep myself from falling prey to my desire to appear holy. I encounter this foe so often, I know where I am weakest, and yet I still fall. I still center on myself. Why am I so focused on myself? Which part of me is the part that reflects my own image back into my vision so constantly? I wish I knew which part of me leads me to focus on myself. I want to cut it out, cut myself out. I practically scream inside at the torment when I realize that I have cut my Savior out instead. The next moment, I do it again without a thought.
I am the worst sinner (and I am not fishing for a compliment). I am not the kind of person who laments. “I am fat!” just to get someone else to assure them, “You are not fat!” My hatred is aimed at my failures. Failure is so common to me. It is only through the great love of God, through Christ’s atoning blood, that I am forgiven. When I express my own lowly and sinful state, it is a testament to the awesome, great, and mighty works of God. Only God Himself could have saved me. I am so glad that my salvation is not dependent on my good works, because they are too few.
Ah! You would think that someone as self-righteous as I am would have a little more pride, but no! I am a living paradox. I want recognition for how holy I am, but I despise compliments (mostly because I am suspicious of flattery or sarcasm). I do not take compliments well. Genuine admiration even embarrasses me. I trade a sincere compliment with a nonchalant reply. Sometimes, I manage to insult the person who pays me a sincere compliment. Why am I so focused on myself? I do not even like myself that much. I either love myself too much, or I hate myself.
In my heart, I want to serve God wholeheartedly, but it is a constant battle. I say things I should not, I do not say things I should say. How can anyone really know me?
If someone knew who I was and saw how I appear, would they be able to tell the difference? I would hope not. I want to be completely genuine and live not as a projection of myself, but as myself.
Who am I? I am a beloved daughter of I AM. I am a child of God, a disciple of Jesus Christ, a terrible sinner saved by grace.
If you want to know me, know this: I was blind and lost, but I am saved by a great and powerful God. My identity lives in Him!

I am IN CHRIST!